MARRIAGE RESTRICTED JOKES AND CHUTKULE

The other day my wife asked me how i became so damn good at making love.
i told her she should thank all the women that came before her!

As a married man, when i say i lasted all night, what i'm trying to say is that i slept continuously without having to wake up in the middle of the night to pee!

A family is driving home and passes a sporting goods store that's being renovated.
the wife says, "look, they're expanding dick's."
the husband says, "sign me up!"

What is the similarity between a swimming pool and a wife?
for both, we pay high maintenance cost for the little time we spend in them!

Pappu meets his father in red light area. pappu: papa aap yahan?
father: bus beta ab 200-300 rs ki cheez k liye teri maa k nakhre nahi sahe jate.

A woman calls her husband into the bedroom. "now mike, i want you to take off my blouse!"
"good!"
"now i also want you to take off my bra."
"good..."
"now can you take off my panties."
"very good! now, don't let me catch you wearing them again!"

A share broker caught his wife in bed with her boyfriend, shocked he asked his wife, "what are you doing with him?"
his wife replied, "darling, i've gone public!"

A husband and a wife were fighting about their sex life.
the hubby complains, "you never tell me when you are having an orgasm?"
the wife replies, "how can i? you are never here."

How do you know when your wife is really dead?
your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger!

My wife and i finally became sexually compatible... we achieve simultaneous headaches!

I was so excited when my wife texted me that she wanted to be on top tonight.
didn't have a clue that she was talking about the bunk bed that we bought last week!

Two friends met after a long time.
1st: so, how's your sex life?
2nd: i don't have any.
1st: oh my god! you got married and never told me about it.

This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. she takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"you know that fur coat you promised me? i bought it with the insurance money. you know the new car you promised me? i bought it with the insurance money."
then she whispers, "you know that blowjob i promised you? well, here it comes..."

Q: what's the grossest thing in the world? a: waking up after a night of oral sex with a lump in your throat and a string hanging out of your mouth!

If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
divorce proceedings, most likely!

On the 1st night after marriage:
wife: please, let's spend our 1st night 'understanding' each other.
husband: darling, something 'under' is already 'standing' for you! men will be men.

A lady was having tremendous pain while trying to deliver a baby.
the husband prayed to god, "oh lord, please make the hole loose for the baby and then tight again for the daddy".

I've been married to my wife ten years today. having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.
.
..
...
i don't know how she does it!

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said "fuck you!"
a few minutes passed when the woman turned and said the same thing to her husband. after about half an hour of this the old man said "i'll never understand why kids today like this oral sex so much!"

What's that called when your wife wakes up horny?
.
..
...
....
never. it's called never!

A man was charged with necrophilia (having sex with a dead woman). the judge said; i havn't seen such disgusting case in 20 years. can you give me one good reason why you did it?
man: i can give 3 reasons.it' non of ur business, she was my wife and i didn't know she was dead as she always acted like that.

One of the side effects of viagra is a headache. every time, i take a pill, my wife gets a headache!

Man teases his ex-wife`s new husband: so, dude how was the second-hand stuff?
new husband: not bad. after the first 3 inches, she was brand new.

Why can't a man satisfy a woman completely?
because he doesn't have a dick made of gold, decorated with diamonds and ejaculates cash!

A mobile is like a woman:
talks non-stop;
costs a fortune;
disturbs when u r busy;
and when u need it urgently, there's no service.

A wise man once said you should treat your woman like a vacuum cleaner. once she stops sucking, change the fucking bag.

A lady goes to her doctor, complaining that her husband is 300% impotent. the doctor says, "i'm not sure i understand what you mean." she says, "well, the first 100% you can imagine. in addition, he burnt his tongue and broke his finger!"

Q: what makes a man happy?
a: daughter is on the cover of vogue, son on the cover of sports illustrated, mistress on the cover of playboy and wife on the cover of missing persons.

Bride's dad hands a note to the groom: goods delivered are not returnable.
groom gave another note back to the father: contract void if the seal is broken.

Restaurant advertisement:
we serve food as hot as your neighbour's wife;
and beer as cold as your own!