BAR JOKES AND CHUTKULE

A drunken man was wandering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into cars then rubbing the roofs of the cars. the manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy. 'what the heck are you doing ?' he asks the drunk. 'i'm looking for my car, and i can't find it.' he replies. 'so how does feeling the roof help you ?' asks the puzzled manager. 'well,' replies the drunk earnestly, 'my car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!'.

Starkle starkle little twink who the hell you are i think i'm not under what you call the alcofluence of incohol i'm just a little slort of sheep i'm not drunk like tinkle peep i don't know who is me yet but the drunker i stand here the longer i get just give me one more drink to fill me cup 'cuz i got all day sober to sunday up.

Gadhe ke samne 1 pani ki & 1 daru ki balti rakhi gadha pani pi gaya. police - tune is se kya sikha? '' ' ' sharabi - jo daru nhi pita wo gadha he...

Drinking at work : 1. it's an incentive to show up. 2. it reduces stress. 3. it leads to more honest communications. 4. it reduces complaints about low pay. 5. it cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. it helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. it encourages carpooling. 9. increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. it eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. it makes fellow employees look better. 12. it makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they have had a couple of drinks. 14. salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

Logical thinking.... a night in the bar: bartender: who are you? i've never seen you before... man: yeah! i just lost my job and came here for a drink bartender: what kind of job? man: well. i am a consultant. bartender: whats that? man: its a logical thinker. bartender: logical think, what? man: let me explain it with an example. do you have a dog? bartender: yes! man: that means you love animals bartender: true! man: that mean you love your kids too. bartender: yes true! man: you have kids, that means you are married. bartender: very true! man: you love your kids. you are still married, means you have a beautiful wife. bartender: amazing man! how do you know all these? man: that's logical thinking now you are married to a lady, so you are not gay! bartender: impressive! man: time to leave. bye! (about 20 mins, later the bartender's boss comes) bartender: boss, you know i met a consultant today. boss: consultant!!whats that?? bartender: a logical thinker. boss: logical what?? bartender: i'll explain it with an example boss: okay! bartender: do you have a dog? boss: no! bartender: that means you are gay! ?? bar tender lost d job...????logical!!!!

Abcd to sabhi ko aati hogi.. aggar aati bhi hogi toh aisi shayad hi aati hogi ?? a- antiquity ? b- black label ? c- chivas regal ? d- directors special ? e- eight pm ? f- fuel/fosters ??? g-green label ? h- haywards ?? i- imperial blue ? j-johny walker ? k-kingfisher ?? l- l

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "if i ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?" "yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away." "well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?" "it's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy. "what do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow. "my wife doesn't have a speech impediment!" "well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'no'!"

I will never be able to understand the the concept of going to disco parties, "bc paise bhi hum de, aur naache bhi hum!" nacho

Man to doctor: every night my wife goes to a pub and sleeps with anyone who proposes to her! dr.: relax, take a deep breath, calm down & now tell me.... . . . . .. . . . . . which pub?

Daru ki vajah se brbad shrabi ne kasam li or ghar se daru ki khali bottles fekne laga 1st fek k bola- teri vajah se meri nokri gayi 2nd fekte bola- teri vjh se mera ghar bika 3rd fekte bola- teri vjh se meri biwi chali gayi 4th uthai to vo bhari hui nikli to bola - tu side me ho ja, tu bekasoor he

A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. he swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. he gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. this goes on for at least an hour and a half. finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, i know it's none of my business buddy, but i have to ask. why the whole drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "well," slurred the man, there's a picture of my wife in my pocket. when she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home.

Chinese walks into a bar in america late one night and he saw steven spielberg. as he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph. instead, spielberg gives him a slap and says, "you chinese people bombed our pearl harbor, get out of here." the astonished chinese man replied, "it was not the chinese who bombed your pearl harbor, it was the japanese". "chinese, japanese, taiwanese, you're all the same, " replied spielberg. in return, the chinese gives spielberg a slap and says, "you sank the titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." shocked, spielberg replies, "it was the iceberg that sank the ship, not me." the chinese replies, "iceberg, spielberg, carlsberg, you're all the same.

Jab maine "daru" pehli baar pee thi, mai khud apni nazron me gir gaya.. aur maine.. "daru" chhodne ka faisla kar liya? lekin tab maine in tamaam logo k bareme socha.. kisan jo angur ugaate hai, wo "daru" factory ke mazdur, wo kaanch ki bottel k factory mei kaam karne wale mazdur, wo baar me nachne waali gareeb nachaniya, wo baar mei kam karne wale waiter, wo bhangarwale, in sabko load karne wale truckon k garib driver, aur unke biwi-bacchhon ke baare mei socha to meri aankh bhar aayi... aur bas... usi pal faisla kiya ki abse, i will drink regularly.. apne liye to sab jeete hain, lekin hum to garibon ke liye peete hain..

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his fifth grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "now, class. observe the worms closely," said the professor as he put the first worm into the water. the worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. the second worm, he put into the whiskey. it writhed painfully, and it quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. little johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

Daru ki vajah se barbad sharabi ne kasam li aur ghar se daru ki khali bottles fekne laga.... 1st bottle fekte bola :- teri vajah se meri naukri gayi.... 2nd fekte bola :- teri vajah se mera ghar bika ... 3rd fekte bola:- teri vajah se meri biwi ?? chali gayi ... 4th wali bottle uthaai to woh bhari hui nikli? ... toh bola :- tu side me hoja pagli, tu to bekasur hai. ..??????

Wife: okay, today's friday. where's your pay envelope? man: i already spent all my pay. i bought something for the house. wife: what? what could you buy for the house that cost $480? man: eight rounds of drinks.

Bin tere ab chup chup rehna acha lagta hai, khaamosh reh k is dard ko sehna acha lagta hai, teri yaad mein aansu barastay hain, saamne tere kuch na kehna acha lagta hai, mil k tujh se bichar na jaun kahin, is liye bus door hi rehna acha lagta hai, tera milna na milna muqaddar ki baat hai, pal pal teri yaad mein tarapna acha lagta hai, bin tere tamaam khushiyan azaab lagti hain, ro ro k teri yaad mein sona acha lagta hai,,

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. a cop pulled up and said, "i've got to take you in, pal. you're obviously drunk." our wasted friend asked, "officer, are ya absolutely sure i'm drunk?" "yeah, buddy, i'm sure," said the copper. "let's go." breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "thank goodness, i thought i was crippled."

Ek sharabi ne doston ki dawat ka program banaya, aur apne hi ghar se raat ko bakra chori kiya, aur khoob dawat ki, subha jab ghar pahucha to bakra ghar me hi tha, biwi se pucha: bakra kaha se aya.? . . . biwi:" bakre ko maro goli ! ye batao raat ko tum choron ki tarha, kutte ko kaha le kar gaye the..?

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. the bartender looks at him and says, "what'll it be buddy?" the man says, "set me up with five whiskey shots, and make 'em doubles." the bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all five are gone almost as quickly as they were served. staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "you'd drink 'em this fast too if you had what i have." the bartender hastily asks, "what do you have pal?" the man quickly replies, "i only have a dollar."

A man/woman conversation! lady: do you drink beer? man: yes lady: how many beers a day? man: usually about 3 lady: how much do you pay per beer? man: $5 with a tip lady: and how long have you been drinking? man: 20 years, i suppose lady: so a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. in one year, it would be $5400 correct? man: correct lady: if in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct? man: correct lady: do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a car? man: do you drink beer? lady: no man: where's your car?

Bapu ne koro daru pita joi ne, american: bapu thodu pani to nakho, bapu: a bhuria ame gujarati chiye, aatlu pani to daru jota modhama aawi jay..!!

Who. said alcohol is harmful ??? 2 rounds of brandy 30 minutes before meal, helps digestion. 1 glass of beer after waking up, helps activate internal organs. 1 round of scotch whiskey before sleep, avoids heart attacks. 1 glass of wine before bath, reduces blood pressure. 2 pegs of vodka before every meeting, helps quick decisions. pass it to all you care. kindness costs nothing..!!! cheers..!!!*beer*

Bugz jis seeny main ho "sidque" ka "farooq" ka hai yehi bhetar ke wo seena sada pit taa rehy ho

A dude walks into a bar and says to the bartender : "i want a 12 years old scotch, and don't try to fool me because i can tell the difference." the bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick the man with a 5 year old scotch. the man takes a sip, scowls and says : "hey - bartender, this crap is 5 years old scotch. i told you that i wanted a 12 years old." the bartender won't give and tries once more this time with a 8 year scotch. the man takes a sip, grimaces and says : "bartender, i do not want 8 years old scotch like this filth. gi'me a 12-years old scotch or ill leave !" impressed, the bartender gives him the 12-year scotch on the house, the man takes a sip and sighs, " ah, now that's the real thing. " a disgusting, ugly, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. he stumbles over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says. : "hey, i think that's really far out what you can do. try this one."... the man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and cries, "yechhh! this stuff tastes like piss!" the drunk's eyes light up and he says, "yeah sure, now how old am i ?"

1 sabzi wale k ghar bacha paida hua, to 1 aurat bache ko dekh ke boli: kitna pyara bacha hai ? sabzi wala aadat ke mutabik bola aur hai bhi bilkul taaza

Ram yug mei doodh mila krishan yug mei ghee.... is yug mei daru mili khoob daba kar pee.

Whisky ki garmi, vodka ki mithas, classic mild ka dhua, aur beer ka swad, rum ka rang aur, chakhna ka sath, mubarak ho apko 3 din pahle bewdon ka tyohar. ??? happie 31st fever.????

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "maybe all i need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. he tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "screw it," he thought. "i'll just crawl home. the next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "you went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "how did you know?" "you left your wheelchair at the bar again."

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted i empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else... after careful consideration, i reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task. i withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which i drank. then, i withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which i drank. i then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which i drank. i pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which i drank. i pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass. i pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. then, i corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. when i had everything emptied, i steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by i counted them again, and finally i had all the houses in one bottle, which i drank. i'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep i am. i'm not half as thunk as you might drink. i fool so feelish i don't know who is me, and the drunker i stand here, the longer i get.