MARRIED JOKES AND CHUTKULE

Candle lit bubble baths are so relaxing - every time my wife takes one, I get about an hour of peace and serenity.

Running away from any problem will only increase the distance from the solution. So face the problem in the same way as you face your spouse daily!

My wife has a split personality, and I hate both of them.

Q: What do you call 300,000 women with black eyes?
A: Horrible listeners.

Every wife is like "terms and conditions" of a website. The husbands never understand or read what she says but they all always accept.

You are not a real man until a woman is upset with you, for a reason that you don't even understand.

A man's body has millions of nerves but only a wife can manage to get on each & every one of them.

Husbands are the best persons to share your secrets with. They won't tell anyone because they probably never listen to you in the first place.

On a wall in a ladies room... My husband follows me everywhere.
Written just below it: I do not.

Both of my marriages were disasters. My first wife left me. My second one didn't.

Wife: Darling, kuch aisi baat karo ki mai khush ho jaun aur jal bhi jaun.
Husband: Jaan tum meri Zindagi ho aur... aur... aur Laanat hai aisi zindagi pe.

A girl before marriage looks like a Barbie Doll.
After Marriage: Beautiful Doll;
After 1 Year: Nice Doll;
After 2 Years: Only Doll;
After 5 Years: Dholl;
After 10 Years: Dolly Bindra

There was a lover who once said to his beloved that he would go through hell for her.
And eventually married her, to prove it!

Dear Weather,
Please stop being so romantic. We don't have girlfriends, we have wives!
Sincerely,
All Husbands

Wife: I think...
Husband: Exactly!
Wife: But I haven't said anything yet!
Husband: Doesn't matter... You're right!

Just because a person is silent doesn't mean that he is not aware of fun and joy. It's possible that life taught him some serious lessons.
Or may be, he is Married.

Don't expect a woman to be an angel if you haven't created a heaven for her at home.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Bcoz they want to.

If Flipkart starts matrimonial services, they'll become the no. 1 site.
.
..
...
Coz they have the 30 day return policy!

It's like a mini Heart Attack, when men can't find their mobiles in their pockets
and
It's almost like a Brain Hemorrhage, when they see it in their wife's hand.

Listening to your WAGs is like reading the "Terms and Conditions" of a website.
You don't understand anything, still you confirm
.
..
...
"I Agree"!

You can tell a lot about a woman by her hands;
If they are placed around his hubby's throat, she's probably slightly upset.

When you develop the ability to listen to anything unconditionally without losing your temper or self confidence, it means
.
..
...
that you're a MALE and MARRIED!

Adam and Eve's wedding.
Adam: I hereby take Eve to be my LAWFUL wedded wife.
EVE didn't hear the 'L'.
.
..
...
Thus, the misery began and has continued ever since.

What's the difference between Poetry and Essay?
Any word uttered by a Girlfriend is Poetry while anything said by Wife is Essay.

Thinking on toes:
When mom asks, "Whom do you love more, me or your wife". Smart answer: I don't know Mom, but your love makes me forget my Wife; and her love and care reminds me of you".

If love is blind and marriage is an institution;
Then marriage is an institution of the blind.

What do you call a man who loses 150 lbs of useless fat?
A divorcee!

The government should make it mandatory to print a "Statutory Warning" on Wedding Cards like on Cigarette packets that:
Marriage may be injurious to Wealth!

You're talking of Twitter and SMS;
Even in my real life, my communication to my wife is limited to 140 characters only.